Log Time:9:05-9:08; "Shooting Bricks"...

One of the biggest differences between basketball and taking a crap is what the term "shooting bricks" means in reference to how you are doing. In basketball, if you "shoot a brick", it means that you made a bad shot. In crapping, if you "shoot a brick" it means that you have efficiently and impressively got the job done. This morning, I am proud to say that I was "shooting bricks"...in the bathroom. Something of interest...

Something of interest: Mexico is about to legalize recreational use of pot, cocaine, and heroin. (link) Three cheers for NAFTA!

SOI (b): Below is an excerpt from the article. So... each joint should have 1.25 grams of marijuana and each line should have .125 grams of cocaine... Thank you Mexican Congress for clearing up a question that has long consumed the minds of many college kids.

"The bill says criminal charges will no longer be brought for possession of up to 25 milligrams of heroin, 5 grams of marijuana (about one-fifth of an ounce, or about four joints), or 0.5 grams of cocaine -- the equivalent of about 4 "lines," or half the standard street-sale quantity (though half-size packages are becoming more common)."

SOI (c): Will anything really seem different when traveling to Mexico if they do legalize drugs... or were they basically legal before?


-TDM

Log Time: 9:40-9:51; The Ides of April...

Spring is in the air... for many people its a re-birth of hope, love, life. For me, its the start of another annoying allergy season where I feel sick to my stomach for no reason. Needless to say, the toilet and I are "bff" right now. A couple of thoughts...

Thought #1: This link (link) is to an article about some scientists from Venezuala who are trying to de-flatulize beans (i.e. so they don't make you fart). Why would they do this? These bastards are neutering the beans, taking away their identity!

Thought #2: Irony... Bourbon County, Kentucky, for which Bourbon Whiskey is named... is a "dry" county.


-THEDM

Long Time: 10:10-10:15; Follow up on SLJ...

All good in crap-land.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned the movie making prowess of Samuel L. Jackson. The man is a legend at re-creating the same character under different screen names. Somehow, I missed his most highly anticipated movie of the year called (drum roll please)... "Snakes on a Plane". The premise and title are considered such B-movie material that a cult-like internet following has evolved in anticipation of its opening in August. A CNN article can be viewed at this link (link). Also, there are a number of things online, including, but not limited to, the official site (link), a blog mentioned in the the CNN article (blog), and its own Wikipedia page... (WP). However, to get a full a sense of phenomenon, you should do your own search...

Also... this is a great parody that I found at www.thatvideosite.com . (parody link)

-TDM

Log Time: 10:05-10:11; Easy...

This morning's endeavor was nice and easy, like Linday Lohan after (or before) she's been drinking. Some stuff to know...

Stuff to know #1: One of my readers brought a compelling author to my attention, Dr. Jane Wilson Howarth (link). She is the author of such classics as "How to Shit Around the World" (link) and "How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art" (link). These are must reads, I think...

Stuff to know #2: This Link (link) is to a an Fox News interview. The person being interviewed is Shirley Phelps Roper (Stanley Roper's daughter?), who represents the Westboro Baptist Church, which is a group that supports the death of US soldiers in Iraq, among other things... they actually picket soldier's funerals. It's hard to believe that people this sick and insane actually exist.


-TDM

Log Time: 8:00-8:12; Did the Farrelly's realize?

Just like the Farrelly brother's movie "Fever Pitch", which has been on cable way too many times this month, my crap this morning really stunk... you know it smells bad, if its yours and it still bums you out, and this one did. So... the question remains, did the Farrelly brothers realize how much "Fever Pitch" stunk? How could the same guys who did "Something about Mary" also be involved with "Fever Pitch"? Did they not notice the smell? Because this movie is that bad. And its not just the script... there are so many bad casting decisions, you'd think Isiah Thomas was somehow involved. It is a definite low point in the Farrelly's career. It would have been a low point in the Wayans Brothers career! A few other things...

Other thing #1: How many times can you be a "Born Again Christian"(Link)? If you want a weekend of debauchery, can you do it, and then just be "born again", again, on Monday, and that's okay?

Other thing #2: If you've never seen it before, there is an internet based news network called "Naked News". (Link) Simply enough, on "Naked News", women disrobe while they tell the news. This is definitely taking the "I read Playboy for the articles" by-line up a notch.

Other thing #2(b): Two CNN reporters that I'd like to see the nice people over at Naked News recruit are... Adrianna Costa (CNN picture) and Claudia Palacios (CNN picture). (If you have any other good recruits, please e-mail me.)

Other thing #2(c): I can't wait for someone to take it up a notch to "The fucking News", so that I can say, "I watch porn for the news".

Other thing #3b: Here is a link to Paris Hilton singing Happy Birthday to Hugh Heffner. Luckily for Paris, she can whore it up with the best of them, because she can't sing... (Link)

-TDoodieM

Log Time: 8:15-:845; Gathering nuts?

I've been like a squirrel getting ready for winter, with the toilet being my tree. A few thoughts...

Thought #1: David Blaine is up to it again.(Link) This time he will attempt to live in a specially made aquarium for a week and try to break the record for holding one's breath under water. The current record of 8 minutes 58 seconds was almost broken last year by a guy who was under for almost 20 minutes, but it turned out he was dead, which immediately disqualifies you from breaking the record. (just kidding) I'm not sure what my best time is, but the last time I tried, I was 10 years old and had trouble making it the long way of the pool.

Thought #1b: I'd be much more impressed if David lasted 1 hour in an aquarium with one of the world's top 5 deadliest sharks. (Deadliest Sharks)

Thought #2: Jaws is just as smart as the sharks in the movie Deep Blue Sea.

Thought #3: Samuel L. Jackson is involved with 11 movies that are currently in some process of development. (IMDB Link) One of the more exciting titles is "Afro Samurai" ... I hope Samuel has the range to pull it off.

- TDM

Log Time: 8:20-8:27; Impressionist...

After a good helping of Chinese last night, I was like an impressionist painter during my "brown period"...

-TDM

Log Time: 8:15-8:40; Jinxed...

Things were going so well in the bathroom... bowel movements were starting to feel like massages for my digestive track... a pleasure. So, foolishly I started to boast... nothing crazy, just a few disrespectful comments here and there like, "That shit's so easy for me" (I'm going to spare readers any additional pun related quotes.)... and then, just like the The Apprentice post season 1, even though I was outwardly confident, everything went downhill quickly. It's been a most unfortunate, most uncomfortable and most unpleasant ride. A few things from the news...

Thing from the news #1: This link (Link) is to a story about Jerry Garcia's master bathroom commode that was stolen recently... I swear it wasn't me.

Thing from the news #2: The link here (Link) is to a story about a Florida university professor who believes that there could be a less than miraculous explanation to Jesus walking on water. This professor believes that Jesus walked on a floating piece of ice, and that it just appeared like he was walking on water to far away observers... good use of time professor.

Thing from the news #3: This link (Link) is to a story that would fit well under the SNL skit, Bad Idea Jeans. It's about a teacher who kept a 40 mm shell on his desk as a paperweight, then blew off part of his hand when he used the object to try to squash a bug... maybe the teacher shouldn't have had a potentially explosive object on his desk, at school, in the first place... maybe?


-TDM

Log Time: 9:41-9:47; Operation Dumbo Drop...

As the tagline for the 1995 movie says, "When you weigh 4 tons, its hard to be a secret weapon." That's why there was nothing covert about this morning's movement... Some thoughts and a dumb game...

Thought #1: If the president wants to increase his popularity rating, he should give himself the authority to announce 6 "surprise long weekends" a year.

Thought #2: Online invitations (http://www.evite.com/) are free, so I like to over-use by "e-vite-ing" my friends to do stupid things, like call me on the phone.

Thought #3: Next time you have to cancel a social engagement, do it in style... leave the person a message to the song "Jeopardy" by Greg Kihn Band... "our plans are in jeopardy, insert person's name here, oooh..."

Thought #4: This is the first April I can remember that not one person tried to play an April Fool's joke on me... is April Fool's Day popularity at an all time low?

Thought #5: Jon Stewart is right on, on this analysis of a FOX News segment. (I hope this link works)... http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/1988.html

Dumb game: You know how one of your parents finds the time, once a month, to forward you some silly e-mail with a riddle about guessing your age, etc., under the guise of "magic", even though its just some mathematical equation... well the father of TDM sent the one below this morning... I have adjusted the topic from eating chocolate to taking craps and have provided some thoughts. (all changes and thoughts are in italics)..

YOUR AGE BY CRAPTOLOGY MATH!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! (truthfully, scrolling down will do nothing to change the outcome of the mathematical equation in use... and we already know that this is about guessing your age, so there's no surprise that the feat is accomplished at the bottom.)

This is pretty neat. (Math is fun! Good clean fun!)

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!It takes less than a minute .Work this out as you read ...Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! (is the ominous second warning necessary????)

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. (actually, it is a waste of time)

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to take a crap. (more than once but less than 10) --- truthfully, it can be any number... but lets cap it a 604,800 for our sake, because it is hard to believe that anyone wants to take a crap more than once a second. (and there are 604,800 seconds in a week).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold… and so the mathematical equation works)

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....If you haven't, add 1755

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number... but for our example, you should have a number here that is somewhere between 11 and 604,800,125 (if you are one of those freaky Asian guys who is still living at 125)

The first digits of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you would like to crap each week)The next numbers are YOUR AGE!

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS! However, in following years, you can adjust the 1755 and 1756, to 1756 and 1757 respectively, and the mathematical equation will work just fine…

-TDM, Senior Craptologist