Log Time: 9:10-9:22; Bad Food Risin'...

I ate two things yesterday, a bison burger for lunch, and a couple of slices of pizza for dinner that both tasted a little strange, so I was pleasantly surprised to not feel uncommonly ill when I went to bed last night. However, I only got 20 minutes into my morning workout (of 60) and my streams were reversed... bad food risin'... I was in the gym bathroom, on my knees, head hanging over the toilet... and then the bowel movement that followed, about 30 minutes later, was a spectacle for both the eyes and the ears... nothing short of a crappy morning for TDM. Two quick thoughts:

Quick thought #1: Why does every plane that flies into JFK, La Gaurdia, Newark, etc., seem to get routed directly over New York City (my apartment most specifically)? What happened to post 9/11 rules?

Quick thought #2: When will it not be the "Post 9-11" era?

-TDM

Log Time 9:20-9:27; Surpisingly good...

That's how I feel after my weekend in Vegas. This morning's exepdition was very standard. Much unlike the war on terror, it was quick, simple and well executed. Some final Vegas thoughts...

Final Vegas thought #1: The snack mix they serve on planes suck. In general snack mix was just a crap idea from the start because snack food is "craving" food, and you never "crave" pretzels, nuts, doritos, etc. at the same time. Also, there's always something in the pack that not only do you not like, but also makes you nauseous, so you can't just eat, you have to pick.

Final Vegas thought #2: The strip club that is on the market for a rumored $83 million is The Saphire.

Final Vegas thought #3: One of the many keys to a successful Vegas trip is managing the urge to eat greasy late afternoon snacks. You can really wreck your night by not having enough discipline.

Final Vegas thought #4: Has anyone ever slipped a seeing eye dog a "mickey"? I'm not actually sure what this would do, but was just wondering.

-TDM

No Log...

I'm in shock!

Log Time: 10:33-10:42; The Lose...

... that's what my friends and I have not so affectionately renamed The Wynn in Vegas. If blackjack was about drawing 16 against a face card, the villagers would be singing songs in hills about me right now... at 3 AM I ate the $8 bag of potato chips that are described on the package as "crisply delicious"(they really were). It created a "situation" this morning and I had to break open the seal on the "emergency backup" roll... some random ponderings (not actually a word)...

Random pondering #1: In the television commercials, Steve Wynn reminds me of Jack Tripper from Three's Company.

Random pondering #2: There are 7 elevators in the part of the hotel where my room is and never anyone waiting, yet every time I get in, at least 3 people come at the last minute and push buttons for floors that are below mine. It's driving me crazy...

Random pondering #3: Is there anything inside The Luxor?

Random pondering #4: There's a rumor floating around that the Olympic Garden strip club sold for something like $83 million. I tried to confirm it with a web search, but came up with nothing.

Random thought #5: I'm thinking about pitching Patrick Dempsey on a sequel to Can't Buy Me Love set in Vegas called Can Buy Me Love.

Random thought #6: Does speaking Pig Latin make you bi-lingual?( http://www.snowcrest.net/donnelly/piglatin.html)

Random pondering #7: I like to go up to celebrities and ask them to take pictures of me... well, I've never actually done it, but I was at dinner last night and Ben Roethlisberger (quarterback for the Pittsburg Steelers) was at the restaurant, and I'm pretty sure that someone did that to him.

Random pondering #7 (b): Roethlisberger was seated at a table with Carons Daly and Mario Lopez. (Slater from Saved by the Bell). An exceedingly random grouping.

Random pondering #7 (c): There was a grown man at the table next to Roethlisberger who was wearing a Pittsburg Steelers jersey. This guy clearly came to the restaurant knowing that Roethlisberger was going to be there and had every intention of trying to hang out with him... it was a little freaky.

Random pondering #8: I'm pretty sure Isiah Thomas would double down on a 12 if the dealer had a face card showing...


-Until the next time nature has its way with me... TDM

Log Time: 9:45-9:56; Vegas...

I performed this morning to an audience of one (me)... and even though I had two red bulls last night, everything went surprisingly well. Some Vegas thoughts...

Vegas thought #1: I am staying at the Wynn in Vegas, and for some reason, the extra roll of toilet paper in the bathroom is wrapped in a brown piece of paper that has “emergency backup” written on it… not just "backup", actually "emergency backup". What does this mean? Has there ever been a situation where you use up the first roll, but decide that you shouldn't actually open the second one because it might not be an emergency? Does there need to be any writing on it at all? On the flip side... I do kind of feel like they're reading my mind...

Vegas thought #2: When is someone going to open a karaoke bar on the strip? I actually think that someone should open a hotel fully dedicated to Japan, called The Tokyo or Tokyo Tokyo or Steve Wynn's Tokyo (or Trump's Tokyo). Japan is just so far away that experiencing a watered-down version of it in Vegas would make more sense for most people. Of course, all of the toilet seats would have to be heated (like in Japan)... you know how your leg sometimes falls asleep if sit on the toilet for too long... it doesn't happen with a heated seat!!!

Vegas thought #3: Everytime I'm in a crowded club with people dancing, I want to break out the Native Ant-Eater Ritual Dance from the movie Can't Buy Me Love...

Vegas thought #4: This more of a story than a thought... the "thanks for classing down the end of my Vegas evening even more" award goes to the leather skinned, heroin addict skinny, 50 year old divorced woman in the inappropriate mini skirt and tank top, who sat down at the blackjack table I was at, at 2:45 am and said to me, the other player at the table, and the dealer, "The red on my champagne glass is from a strawberry, it’s not blood. I just wanted to make sure you guys knew that." ... then followed that gem up with, "you know us ex models..."

Vegas thought #5: Some things that occured to me as being very bad ideas... eating left-over sushi, sleeping with a girl who pees standing up, putting a hotel television clicker in your mouth (I have never really seen anyone do this, but I'm sure it's happened), vacationing in Uganda, refusing to wipe yourself because you claim that "the ass is a self cleaning device" (it's not).

Vegas thought #6: Elvis Presley supposedly died while sitting on a bathroom toilet...

-Viva TDM

Log Time: 8.20-8:32; The Exorcism of TDM!!!

Actually... it was a pretty standard excursion, but I just thought that The Exorcism of TDM would be a funny name for a really bad bathroom session and wanted to share. Here's something I learned recently... many women can (and do) go for days without going to the bathroom (crapping)... how's that possible?... if I don't go for 24 hours, my eyes start to hurt...


-TheDM

Log Time: 10:15-10:24; The Hunt for Brown October

You know how you sometimes do something that you know you really shouldn't tell anyone about, but the results are so impressive, that you still want to... well... that's how I felt this morning. I have appropriately named my accomplishment, The Hunt for Brown October, due to its large, fully intact, and mostly submerged nature. In the immortal words of George Costanza, "... he was ten stories high if he was a foot." I just wish I had my digital camera with me to document the historic occasion. 5 additional thoughts...

Additional thought #1: I keep waiting for Jesse Jackson to publicly complain that UPS's "What can brown do for you?" campaign is racist. (I'm positive he's already doing so in private... testing out responses.) It just feels like a useless, silly exercise (i.e. "cause") that would be right up his alley.

Additional thought #2: What product doesn't potentially lower your cholesterol?

Additional thought #3: Was it just me, or on American Idol last night did Paula Abdul looked like she had spent the day with the make-up crew from Planet of the Apes?

Additional thought #4: Is the Broadway show based on Bon Jovi's music close to being made? I hope so. (was that a Brokeback Mountain moment?)

Additional though #5: I had the displeasure of watching Revenge of the Sith (the most recent of the Star Wars movie) recently and am perplexed by George Lucas's continued decline in storytelling ability. Does he just not care??? There are two things that bothered me greatly about this movie: (1) When Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting in the lava stream (the last fight), Obi-Wan implores Anakin to give up because he, Obi-Wan, has the higher ground, making any attempt by Anakin to win their fight, futile (which proves to be correct)... this whole series of movies has been marked by Jedi's who didn't have the higher ground, yet still defeated their opponents in miraculous, fight-ending moves. Now, all of sudden, it's not only impossible to do, but also a situation in which a Jedi should just pack it in and surrender??? (2) When the going gets tough at the end of the movie and we're basically down to two Jedi's left on the good side of the force, Obi-Wan and Yoda, they decide that instead of keeping up the fight against the dark side and helping form a "resistance", they better split town for 20 years until Luke comes along to clean up their mess... Obi-Wan to a cave in the middle of the desert, and Yoda to a swamp-infested planet. What kind of message does this send to kids who went to see it? ... it seems to be... If the shit hits the fan, just wait for someone else to clean it up, no matter how long, just wait...

Additional thought #5 (part "b"): On a similar topic, at the end of the movie The Last Samurai, when all of the other Samurai's have been massacred on the field of combat except for Captain Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise), and Tom Cruise rides into the small Japanese Samurai village as the sole survivor, how do you think he explained this to the villagers? This was a culture that prided itself on fighting to the death. Did the women overlook the fact that he didn't fight to the death and still give him run of the place or did they secretly plot his demise?

-TDoodieM

Log Time: 4:50-4.54; Note to self...

Note to self... the dark chocolate in the white bag next to my computer that my girlfriend bought for me, which tastes really good... makes me sick to my stomach. (it does taste good, but yes, I only added that in on the off chance she reads this and is insulted that it's making me sick) I had some after lunch today and my ass started making velociraptor sounds. Have you ever really listened to the sounds that the velociraptor dinosaurs make in the movie Jurassic Park when they are stalking the two children in the kitchen?

Note #1: ... on the topic of extinct species... will something ever be on the verge of extinction, and everyone admit that maybe the world is just better off without it?

Note #2: ... is there any chance that a bunch of really good looking girls decided to have meaningless sex with dorky guys this week because of last sunday's Grey's Anatomy episode? ...let's hope so... over 25 million people watched last Sunday's episode, more than 2/3rd's of which I'm sure (and hope)were women. There are approximately 145 million women in the US, which means that more than 11% of them watched the show, giving you a better than 1 out of 10 chance that if your "crush" lives in the US, she saw it and wants to be more like Merdith Grey (http://www.greysanatomyonline.com/cast.php), the saucy surgical intern at Seattle Grace. So, not to sound like a horoscope, but if you've had a crush on a girl that is way out of your league, this is is the week for you to be stratight-forward, outspoken and honest... and by the way, I am the only guy who thinks that Ellen Pompeo is only a 6 out of 10 at best?

-TheDM

Log Time: 10:20-10:35; False warning

When I went to bed last night, my stomach was hurting and I really felt like something big was on the horizon. But much like the seismologists at Mount St. Helens last year, my initial instincts were wrong, and even though I spent some quality time in the bathroom this morning, it was a standrad procedure, nothing exceptional to report. I did have some additional thoughts to add though:

Additional thought #1: It really bothers me when television shows have a $1 million grand prize and advertise that the winner will be a "millionaire". There is this little thing called taxes that reduce that $1 million to anywhere from $500k-$720k depending on where you live. This irritates me for two reason: (1) It's false advertising. If they want the winner to be a "millionaire", the show should either pay the taxes or reward the winner with enough money so that post-taxes, the winner still has at least $1 million. (2) The winner is labeled a "millionaire" and I just think it would suck to have all of your friends, random people, etc., asking you how it feels to be a "millionaire", when you know that you don't really have a million dollars. You start living a lie you didn't even tell, and it would take away from the enjoyment of having the $500k-$700k in post-tax dollars.

Additional thought #2: Even though Sinbad has been in movies in recent years(as I surprisingly learned on IMDB ( http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005435/), it's nice that most of his movies (The Cherokee Kid, Houseguest, etc.) are old enough that they've stopped being re-run on cable. There's no one who took better advantage of the incorrect theory... "he's big and black, if he laughs, it must be funny"... than Sinbad in the '80's and early '90's. Sinbad was about as funny as Magic Johnson contracting the HIV virus. Current SNL repertory player Finesse Mitchell (http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/bios/Finesse_Mitchell.shtml) seems to have taken over where Sinbad left off.

Additional thought #3: Why do toilet paper and tissue paper both exist? Has anyone ever been someplace without tissue paper for a month, been using toilet paper to blow their nose, and finally got hold of some tissue paper and been like, "Thank god! I finally get to really blow my nose. I've missed this so much over the past month!"... I doubt it... That's because, you could easily eliminate one from your life, substitute the other, and be just as happy. For the record, in a bind, paper towels are also a workable subsitute for either toilet paper or tissue paper, but given paper towel's coarse nature, you would be happy to get some toilet paper or tissue paper after a month of either blowing your nose or wiping your ass with only paper towels.

Viva los crapos! - TDM

Log Time: 9:01-9:15 AM; Not so much fun...

This morning's experience was no walk in the park... much like masturbating with sandpaper (I would imagine), I had a purpose and persevered, but not without much effort and pain... but again, I did emerge victorious.

Some Grammy thoughts that are overdue...

Grammy thought #1: Was Kanye West wearing a white glove on one hand when he went up to accept his first award? You know how history repeats itself... was Late Registration his Thriller? Maybe? To his friends... if if you hear any of the following quotes, INTERVENTION might not be a bad idea!!! Quotes:... "That little boy has a nice ass", "Do you think if I buy a lama, the parents of that little boy with the nice ass will let him sleep over?", "That lama has a nice ass", or "Would I look better with a lighter pigmentation?" Also... on the topic of Kanye West, a good friend put it best when he said "I don't have time for this guy"... the reason being that Kanye is so far up his own ass, that you just start wishing he'd fail so that you don't have to listen to him talk about himself anymore.

Grammy thought #2: What was up with Chris Martin's voice? He tried to hide it with that silly run through the crowd, but acid reflux and Ashlee Simpson came to mind (i.e. he should have lip-synched). For a second I thought it might have been the sound system, but Bono and Mary J. Blige sounded too good for that to be the case.

Finally... What's more underrated than the plunger? Whether or not it was invented in the mid-1800's by Thomas Crapper ,is still a hot topic for debtate around many shit-houses. (He is a real person... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Crapper) What's not up for debate, is the plunger's invaluable position in the bathroom... keep in mind that without this household staple, we'd probably have to stick our hands in the toilet every time it clogs.

Until the next time nature calls --- The DMAN

Log time: 10:45-11:01 AM; The Big Easy

Maybe my subconcious was focused on the beginning of Mardi Gras as "The Big Easy" would be the best description for the late morning festivities... I just think it new it's time was up. It was actually a "breacher", which I'm proud of and will have to explain in a future post. Some alien abduction thoughts below...

Alien thought #1: Why do all alien abductions always involve the abductee being anally probed by the adbuctor (i.e. the aliens). Aliens have succesfully built spaceships that can fly the universe with ease, have capture-rays that leave us powerless to being sucked into their spaceships, yet they don't have ultrasound, x-rays or some other device that can more comfortably probe us? What are they looking for and how many asses do they have to search before they feel that they have sufficient data?

Alien abduction thought #2: Would I be happy or insulted if I was abducted by aliens and not probed anally? I think the latter. Rejection hurts too much, and I would feel like an ass (pun intended) in the decompression chamber after the abduction, if everyone else had been probed and I hadn't.

Alien abduction thought #3: If I was abducted by aliens and not anally probed, would I make up that I had been? Is that what's going on here?

May all your craps be easy... Doodieman done!

Log Time: 9:30:9:37AM; Standard Procedure

Standard morning procedure. - doodieman out!

Log Time: 5:56-6:12PPM; A Date with Destiny

I had a big lunch today. I wasn't at a Mexican restaurant, but I still found a Mexican-esque meal... guacamole, cheese, chicken, chips... so I knew I would have to find a place to discharge later in the day. (Is there not much irony that many parts of Mexico don't have proper sewer infrastructure?) When the time did come, I was in tight quarters in a hotel room with my girlfriend... if I was MacGyver, I'm sure I would have sound-proofed the bathroom with excess toilet paper(or tissue) and done my thing, but I'm not MacGyver and I don't know anything about sound-proofing, so I headed to the hotel lobby bathroom . Now, even though crapping in public places is something I try to avoid at all costs, staying at a hotel with a female creates one of the only premeditated exceptions... (see Standard Hotel Protocol when traveling with Female).

You know how they say the bigger they are, the harder they fall... well, the same can apply for a big meal, and lunch was no exception... Finished the job and tried to leave the lobby bathroom in an inconspicuous manner. Grade: A for effort (always), B- for relief.

Log Time: 10:04 AM-10:12AM

Standard bowel movement. After breakfast consiting of All Bran and egg whites, I had created what I consider a perfect storm for my morning bathroom incursion. Nothing too complicated, three pieces, some friends, and an easy wipe. Business as usual in crap land.

May all your bowel movements be easy. And god speed!